Oil Change Instructions for Women:1. Pull up to the dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $24.00
Coffee: Complimentary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by beer store, buy a case of suds, (debit $24), and drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack vehicle up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car in the remotest corner of yard.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splash hot oil on you in the process.
12. Crawl out from under vehicle to wipe hot oil off of face and arms, throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up, crawl under vehicle and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under vehicle with dripping oil filter, splashing oil everywhere. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
Drink another beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11. Cuss.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink another beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink another beer.
24. Crawl under vehicle, getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame, removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit vehicle and left a dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move vehicle back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive vehicle.
37. Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Vehicle gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. Twelve hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $24.00
TOTAL: $4,149.00
But at least you know the job was done right!
